When I was dating I remember constantly being smothered with that giant question like a bloated bear was sitting on my head, refusing to move. To magically stumble upon like finding the gold at the end of a rainbow that is being carried by a unicorn with leprechaun jockey.But how are you supposed to know which one is the right one?If you can just get your hair, abs, complexion, and clothes just right, then The One will scamper to you like a squirrel to a nut factory. Sure appearance might catch someone’s eye, but it’s personality, values, faith, heart, past, present, and future that’s going to make them stay.
Married at 28, with a history of multiple relationships prior, widowed at 40, following a 12 year “paradoxical marriage,” I have been ostensibly single for nearly 16 years, with the exception of a few short term relationships and friends with benefits interactions.
Has physical appearance or chemistry ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? Do you believe that a good mother will want to breast-feed her baby? How were you most hurt in your family; and who hurt you? Do you think most celebrities have a better, more exciting life than you do?
Do you feel that you can have good chemistry with someone who is moderately physically attractive to you, or is a strong physical attraction necessary? Have you identified the childhood wound that may have sabotaged your relationships in the pastthe deeply imprinted fear that made you want to escape?
I could chalk it up to fear of loss and re-creating the worst dynamics of my marriage, analysis paralysis about what I did that contributed to some of the dysfunction in that decade plus two, regret and shame about some of my choices, raising my son as a single parent, experimenting with relationship paradigm options, re-inventing myself, busy-ness with life stuff, focusing on career building and at times, truly enjoying being single and now that my son is an adult, making choices that primarily affect only me.
I could second guess “If I knew then what I know now,” and beat myself up over all of the shoulda woulda coulda’s and believe me, I have.